vennnnnt!

so, i know i haven't blogged in like an eternity, and that had a whole lot to do with camp and more that i will explain later, but right now i NEED to vent.

boys.

men.

whatever, they're all the same.

at least all of the ones that i've been involved with. they all have commitment issues. all their commitment issues have to do with one girl in their past they never got over, and they'll never get past. this makes them almost useless to the rest of the women in the world. 

they are confusing. one minute they're loving you, texting and calling all the time, complimenting everything about you, the next thing you know they ignore you for a week. hell,  if i find a decent-looking guy who doesn't have a hot blonde set of baggage and will answer his phone i'm set. 

but that's not the way the world works is it? they pick the one who will treat them the way they've been treating you, cus we all need that chase, to feel like we've bettered ourselves by gaining their attention or affection. and guys are the same way. we're all fucked up, it just sucks to have to realize that what you're doing sucks to experience on the other end. 

officially, 3 days until okoboji. yesterday my mom went with me to denison and she watched me swim laps (just to see how badly out of shape i am :P) and to go to walmart to pick up some of what i need before saturday. i still need a few things, but we took care of most of it yesterday. i think i still need just like, my cranberry soap, some makeup, facepaint, a candle, and a couple other random things like that. so tomorrow when we go down to omaha for my doctor's appointments we won't have that many errands to do. but regardless, i'm going to make sure i get plenty of sleep tonight, cus this morning i had a dentist appointment at like 10, which i had like no idea about until my mom woke me up at nine for. and i was wippppped- all morning. i wanna take a nap, but then i'm afraid i'll end up not being able to get to sleep very early tonight, then tomorrow when mom wants to go all around omaha i would be miserable..so, i'm probably just gonna lounge around, try not to fall asleep until like 7 or 8 at the earliest, that way i can actually wake up tomorrow when mom wants me to! 

my one piece guard suits came today, so i was pretty excited that i'm not going to have to wear a 2 piece during training since i still don't feel too comfortable about my body. but i still have to try them both on and choose between the 2 one pieces. i'm just so tired right now it sounds like the worst thing ever..haha.

not to mention i still have to repack everything into the new rubbermaid with wheels that i got yesterday at walmart, and figure out the whole thing with having a separate bucket or rubbermaid for nice or "going-out" clothes to keep in bri's car, cus tomorrow while we're in omaha i think i'll see bri, and since she's not going up until the 6th, i think i'd need to give whatever i expect to keep in her car to her then. so i need to get on the ball i suppose!..but the problem is, idk if i'm going to want some clothes for going out for during this next week, since it's just training, and i doubt that we'll be doing waterfront and lifeguarding every waking moment :P, so we'll just see i guess. i should ask my mom. she usually knows what to do when we have these like, organizational issues! haha. 

and as of today: 4 days til camp! i cannot wait to get up there. i'm so excited, but at the same time, i'm nervous. cus of stupid things too! like, what should i wear the first day? and other 'whatever' things like that. but only 4 DAYS!..so at the same time, i have a lot to do too. i packed most of my clothes yesterday in my huge lime green rubbermaid. but i still have to pack my weekend bucket, my shower caddy and shower supplies, as well as all my other random things, so i still have a shit ton of stuff to do. i need to get things together like, a package of sharpies, colored markers, crayons, a pair of scissors, some chicken soup books, idk..a lot! shiiiit. but on a more exciting, yet mostly a bad note, last night my dad found out about my tattoo. he was less than enthused to say the least. in other words, he was livid. he walked out of the room. yeahhhh. i don't know what to think. but it's not something i can do anything to change at this point, so really?..i think i'll just ride it out.

the countdown officially starts today: 8 days til okoboji! i'm so excited!..and this next week is gonna go by soooo fast. today i think i'm going to manilla and staying with stephanie. then tomorrow we're going to her little niece's birthday party. then i hope steph will take me out to brianna's tomorrow night so i don't have to drive. cus she's house-sitting in elkhorn till sunday and wants me to stay with her friday and saturday night. i still need to talk to my parents about that though. but anyway, she's having people out there on saturday, and we're drinking. so then hopefully i can just ride back with lucas or whoever. but either way, this weekend is gonna fly by! it's thursday today, i leave next saturday. i have an appointment next thursday in the city. and i don't know exactly what the plan is for the beginning of next week, but i gotta pack and everything still so, it'll be hectic either way! i'm excited though so watch out! haha.

blackbird.

(i needed these lyrics to cheer me up after that last post.)

Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Black bird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

i'm still learning..

yesterday i moved the last of my things out of the suite and turned in my keys, so concluding my freshman year! and in finishing my first year of college, i have to admit i've learned some extremely huge and valuable life lessons. 

first of all, friends are almost NEVER true or real. people are almost always out for themselves and only themselves, and if you find someone you can relate to enough to actually WANT to go out of your way to do things for and that relates enough to you to do the same, you need to do absolutely all you can to keep them. it's not that you won't find people who won't go out of their way to do things for you, many will just to keep up appearances and because they feel it is the right thing to do, which is a very separate motive than actually caring enough to WANT to. in learning this, i have realized i have 2 or 3 real friends..

but more importantly than that, deciding that this is what i think of the world has made me worlds more appreciative of my mother. she hates so many things about me, yet truly wants to do anything to keep me happy for as long as possible. 

but it's so depressing to know that most people would trade you in a second for their own betterment. and i'm not saying i'm any better either, it's just sad that we're like this. but maybe we as people are only meant to find a true connection, even friendship-wise with only a select few people. because, if i look at it from a different perspective, i would only want to go out of my way to do something i wouldn't normally do for 4 people outside of my family. it's sad, but it's true, and it won't change, so i guess it's just good to know and except.

secondly, i've learned a majority of people are happy in their own ignorance. going to community college, i met a lot of people who wouldn't normally be able to attend college (intelligence-wise). however, what's crazy about people like that, is they don't even realize their own ignorance! they walk around talking circles around things, believing that they know anything and everything. i realize i'm not the most intelligent person, but i don't attempt to propose answers to questions i don't even comprehend. i sat back and listened to stupid people talk all year, about things that don't matter and don't even touch the surface of importance. it's sickening to think of the time i've wasted since august on conversations with people who will never amount to anything and couldn't hold a conversation with anyone who had a decent IQ. ugh. what's even more disturbing, is culture keeps encouraging people to become satisfied (and even happy) with this ignorance. look at the lyrics in the most popular music today. two generations ago, popular music revolved around current events, future changes, and human growth and failure, NOW the most famous songs talk about sex, drugs, and how great the artist thinks he or she is. it's not fun to think about what is going to happen to this world when my generation holds power. i fall guilty to this as well, i listen to stupid music, watch ridiculous reality shows, it's hard not to when everything in today's culture seems to encourage it. but it's just sickening for me to think about. 

most of what i'm bothered by now, is what i've let myself fall to since august. i've spent the majority of my time with people who haven't stimulated any growth in myself, and seem to cast a terrible influence upon my potential. i'm just really disappointed in myself right now. hopefully i can make some changes over this summer and start fresh this coming fall.

so i'm attempting to get into the habit of posting more often by doing so two days in a row. my raw foods diet and workout schedule went well today and i think it was a good idea to get started now. abby and i walked to the valley view apartments and back today, which i think is a total of around 6 miles, and i ate only raw foods all day and i'm feeling great already. i think total i ate 4 fruit kabobs, a can of mt. dew (cheater, i know), a few glasses of water, a salad with fat free italian dressing, and a bowl of baby carrots mixed with cucumbers and celery. it's been good though, because i don't feel too overly hungry still. and after the run i've just felt like i could easily go to sleep in an hour or so. so i figure that's definatley a good thing since i haven't been able to sleep that well for weeks! wish me good luck on feeling comfortable about my body within 24 days! oh gosh this will be a journey.

end of the year..

so the end of the school year is coming up fast, and a lot is going on with me right now. i haven't posted in awhile because of all the stress. but tonight i haven't been able to sleep so i figure it would be a good time for a quick catch-up. i've decided i'm going to just fail 2 out of my 5 classes because they do absolutely nothing for my major. i've completely changed my major to marketing management. next semester i'll be on financial aid probation from failing, but i've promised myself to work hard so that i'll be okay after that. 

otherwise, i have a lot other than that that has been bothering me these past few weeks. i think i posted about a couple of my friends making me feel like an outcast and discluded lately, well it hasn't improved. and now i'm concerned cus brianna has been hanging out with lucas a lot lately and now that he's been hired to work for camp foster this summer too so i'm really afraid that i'm going to end up spending all summer feeling left out again to bri and lucas. i don't know why it's stressing me out to this point, but it's bad. 

plus, the MAIN stresser i have going on right now, i've gained like a crap-ton of weight. and it's not that i'm huge compared to before, it's that my shape has gotten so much lumpier, and i don't even wanna think about putting on a swimsuit. but i have to. in 25 FREAKING DAYS! so i've decided officially, starting tomorrow, that i'm going on a crash diet, i don't care how bad that's supposed to be for you, i'm desperate. so i'm doing it. i'm drinking ONLY water, and eating ONLY raw fruits and vegetables and cottage cheese. also i am going to walk at least 5 miles a day, and jog if i can, but for sure walk. i don't want to be unrealistic, and i know i can walk that far, so i'm gonna make it happen. i hope it works.

plus, mom said when i get home i can tan, so i'll be able to disguise the hideous stretch-marks that just freaking 'appeared' on my love-handles this year, so that should be taken care of easier than expected! i'm so scared that even if i do all this changing that i plan on that i won't have enough time before camp to lose the amount of weight it'll take for me to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. if i haven't lost a good amount by the 15th, when i'm supposed to reserve my space or give it away for the lifeguarding class on the 30th then i'll just most likely tell them i won't guard. but i do really want to. so we'll just see..

ah! finals all over in 6 or 7 days, i'm not for sure depending on my speech class, and then i'll finally be able to relax. hopefully with the time while i'm at home and the ability to tan, i'll be able to get a move-on on changing my body and relieving my stress! :P

i got the job! i'm so so so so so so so excited. i don't know if that even illustrates how excited i am for this summer! and even more, i just wish the entire month of may would fly by so i could just be in okoboji right now away from all the people and things i can't stand at this point. even some of my best friends seem to be cutting me down lately. and i don't know if it's my mood, all in my head, or if they're really annoyed of me; but especially one girl, who i thought was my best friend and never seemed to have a problem with me whatsoever, seems for the past like two weeks to have been ignoring me, and finding every excuse she can to avoid hanging out with me at all. i don't understand. i'm literally sitting here crying because i'm so confused. i feel like stephanie is my only friend who honestly cares about me anymore. i just want to get to camp already to make new friends and start over on a completely clean slate. even just get back to harlan to relax and be stress-free for a couple weeks. i don't understand what is so wrong with me that my best friends seem to be turning on me. i feel like i've repeatedly been ditched by one of my two very best friends this past month. i don't know how to handle it. i feel awful. i really just need to get away. i wish she would just tell me truth though.

my interview this afternoon went really well i think. the woman who interviewed bri and i was really nice. i think she liked bri more than she liked me because of what bri said after her interview, but it kind of sounded like both of us were going to get the job either way. and besides asking us questions, she answered a lot about what we would have to do, have to wear, when we would have time off, etc. and i really don't think she would have spent so much time explaining all of those kind of things if she didn't plan on us getting hired. however, we can't know for sure whether we got the job or not for a day or two when she said we'll get a phone call from the camp director with their final decision. but either way, i found out that we get 24 hours off a week on the weekends, between when that week's campers leave and the next week's campers arrive, one night out a week from 6:30-midnight, and plenty of time to ourselves as counselors, a lot more freedom than i thought we would have. not to mention, there's 60+ counselors on staff, so plenty more people our age will be there than i assumed. so i cannot wait to get that phone call! i'm getting more and more excited as time goes on, this school year just needs to end so i can enjoy the three weeks of freedom i'll have then hopefully a fun-filled rest of the summer working in the okobojis.

so as i've said before, i'm really nervous for this interview tonight because i really want this job. so i've been thinking about how i can better prepare myself to have the best interview possible. and i know i need to dress well, wear little to no make-up (since it's for a camp counseling position), and look the woman interviewing me in the eye while i'm speaking, but other than that i really want to think about what questions she might ask me and how i might answer them. so i googled some possible interview questions for jobs which involve work with children.

 What five adjectives describe you best?

passionate, hyperactive, hard-working, understanding, and sometimes impatient  Why should I consider you for this position? i'm great with kids, i love the outdoors and always try and make whatever i'm asked to do or happen to be doing as fun as possible for everyone involved.  Why are you the best candidate for this position? i'm dedicated to whatever i set my mind to and would make a great role model for kids of the campers age bracket.  Tell me about the one thing in your life you're proudest of. i'm most proud of the example i've set which has helped shape the personalities of my younger brother and sister. they're very outgoing, kind, and genuine kids, i love them, and i'm proud of everything they do.  You've changed jobs frequently. What makes you think that this position will be different? having a job where you live where you work makes coworkers more like family, i think that with a close relationship with my coworkers and employers i will feel much more valued and enjoy my job more.  What qualities do you think are necessary to make a success of this job? i think that a live-in camp counselor needs to be understanding, outgoing, upbeat, and patient.  Describe your ideal job.  my ideal job is one where i am not sitting or standing in one place all day, i get to be outdoors sometimes, get to work on projects which can be finished, use my creativity, and have a flexible schedule.  How did you find out about this job? i used to attend camp foster once a summer when i was younger.  What do you know about the job? i know that i will live on the campgrounds, be expected to be responsible for the well-being off my assigned campers, being open to doing whatever i am asked, and always being fun and outgoing!  What kinds of work interest you the most? anything where i am in constant contact with people! love anything outdoors, and would love to effect the world.

i don't know..but hopefully my answers aren't horrible, i'm not used to having to interview for jobs coming from such a small town. i guess the way it worked back home everyone pretty much knew everyone so they didn't really need to ask you anything they just kind of knew whether you were fit for the job or not. and i know that interviewing to be a camp counselor isn't exactly life or death but it would for sure make or break my summer i think, so i'm going to cross my fingers and hope for the best! wish me luck! time to shower and get ready!

interview!!

brianna and i have an interview to be camp counselors at a summer camp in okoboji tomorrow afternoon. i'm really nervous, cus i really want this job for many reasons. i need to lose weight, i need the money, i wouldn't be spending money, i would have NO responsibilities for the first month of summer, and therefore, can spend that entire three weeks having fun, getting drunk, and checking things off bri and my to-do list! getting this job would make thinking about summer and planning for summer so much easier! i'm crossing my fingers, wish me good luck! :)

i'm having an extremely stressful day. and all my stress seems to be revolving around school.

the jist of what's happening is that my parents didn't save any significant amount of money to go toward college for me, so i am here solely on loans which i must pay back completely on my own. that in itself is fine, however, after this semester i decided that i want to change my major from early childhood education to marketing management. now that i've officially made that decision, i realized that only ONE of my classes this semester, and two from last semester go toward my new major, so basically, i have to completely start over. the bigger problem, however, is that i'm failing two classes right now: photography and american history (gay, i know i should be passing, but i just don't go).

well since neither of those classes are helpful toward my major at all, it really isn't a problem that i'm going to fail them, except that because of that, i will be put on academic probation for next semester. and the only problem with getting put on academic probation for next semester is that a letter will be sent to my permanent address notifying me (my parents) that i did horribly, prompting them to not want to cosign on my loans for next fall. which would be horrible!..

so i went to call the school to change my permanent mailing address and i got some office's answering machine. so i left a message, AT 8 THIS MORNING! and now it is one in the afternoon. so i decided since i was in a bad mood i'd try and get out of it and think about the new semester by registering for my classes for this fall. so i got on SOS and searched till i had the numbers and sections for all my classes i wanted to take next semester figured out. then i went to register for them after i'd decided on times and i got a pop-up message on my computer telling me that i owed money and that i needed to contact the cashier's office before i would be allowed to register for my classes. wow, k? 

so i call the cashier's office...another answering machine. i left my name, number, and student identification number, at 9:30 this morning...again no reply. i'm getting severly upset now, because no one that is supposed to assist or advise me at this school is doing their job, i haven't been able to accomplish ANYTHING on today's to-do list, and i still haven't gotten decent to leave my suite, so we'll see but hope to God that this day gets better, quickly..

insomnia

i just realized that all of my posts have been at reeeaallllly late times of night..i need to change my sleep pattern.

so i was talking to my cousin on the phone about some of her classes..and she was kinda freaked out by an assignment she was given for her psychology class: to document how you think the world would react to your suicide. when i heard that i didn't think much of it, figured it would probably be an easy assignment considering all you have to do is guess, and you really can't be wrong..

but since i got off the phone with her i can't get the thought out of my mind. how would the world react if i killed myself tonight? would old friends come out of the woodwork to come to my funeral? would there be an investigation? would anyone understand why? who would speak at my funeral? what would they say? what would constitute being close enough to me to have the 'right' to speak to my life at such an important event? would it be seen as worse than the death of an elderly person simply because i am young? 

but most importantly i wonder what people that are currently a part of my life would wish they had accomplished more in that role while i was alive. would a secret crush realize he loves me? and that thought moves on to one i have had many times, especially recently...will anyone love me? ever?..i've seen too many women grow old, living alone and seemingly putting on like they are happy, when most of what i really want out of life is to find someone who makes me happy simply by being themselves. what if i never find that? what if i never find a man who truly makes me happy and i end up alone? i want children. i know i do. if i end up single for the rest of my life, will i have to sacrifice that too? i know i'm probably running this all straight into the ground, thinking waaaaaayyy too much about it i'm sure, but i couldn't sleep due to this ridiculous train of thought, so i figured putting it somewhere out of my head might help.

beginning something new.

i don't know much about this blogging business, but i have always found that recording my emotions and activities has been helpful with my thought processes and keeping me in line in the past, so hopefully even though i'm not a "skilled blogger", i could use this as a sort of journal and whether or not anyone else takes an interest in reading it, hopefully i can use it as a tool for keeping myself sane. :) 

i don't know much about this so if anyone reads this and wants to clue me in, please do so! haha