so i was talking to my cousin on the phone about some of her classes..and she was kinda freaked out by an assignment she was given for her psychology class: to document how you think the world would react to your suicide. when i heard that i didn't think much of it, figured it would probably be an easy assignment considering all you have to do is guess, and you really can't be wrong..

but since i got off the phone with her i can't get the thought out of my mind. how would the world react if i killed myself tonight? would old friends come out of the woodwork to come to my funeral? would there be an investigation? would anyone understand why? who would speak at my funeral? what would they say? what would constitute being close enough to me to have the 'right' to speak to my life at such an important event? would it be seen as worse than the death of an elderly person simply because i am young? 

but most importantly i wonder what people that are currently a part of my life would wish they had accomplished more in that role while i was alive. would a secret crush realize he loves me? and that thought moves on to one i have had many times, especially recently...will anyone love me? ever?..i've seen too many women grow old, living alone and seemingly putting on like they are happy, when most of what i really want out of life is to find someone who makes me happy simply by being themselves. what if i never find that? what if i never find a man who truly makes me happy and i end up alone? i want children. i know i do. if i end up single for the rest of my life, will i have to sacrifice that too? i know i'm probably running this all straight into the ground, thinking waaaaaayyy too much about it i'm sure, but i couldn't sleep due to this ridiculous train of thought, so i figured putting it somewhere out of my head might help.