officially, 3 days until okoboji. yesterday my mom went with me to denison and she watched me swim laps (just to see how badly out of shape i am :P) and to go to walmart to pick up some of what i need before saturday. i still need a few things, but we took care of most of it yesterday. i think i still need just like, my cranberry soap, some makeup, facepaint, a candle, and a couple other random things like that. so tomorrow when we go down to omaha for my doctor's appointments we won't have that many errands to do. but regardless, i'm going to make sure i get plenty of sleep tonight, cus this morning i had a dentist appointment at like 10, which i had like no idea about until my mom woke me up at nine for. and i was wippppped- all morning. i wanna take a nap, but then i'm afraid i'll end up not being able to get to sleep very early tonight, then tomorrow when mom wants to go all around omaha i would be miserable..so, i'm probably just gonna lounge around, try not to fall asleep until like 7 or 8 at the earliest, that way i can actually wake up tomorrow when mom wants me to! 

my one piece guard suits came today, so i was pretty excited that i'm not going to have to wear a 2 piece during training since i still don't feel too comfortable about my body. but i still have to try them both on and choose between the 2 one pieces. i'm just so tired right now it sounds like the worst thing ever..haha.

not to mention i still have to repack everything into the new rubbermaid with wheels that i got yesterday at walmart, and figure out the whole thing with having a separate bucket or rubbermaid for nice or "going-out" clothes to keep in bri's car, cus tomorrow while we're in omaha i think i'll see bri, and since she's not going up until the 6th, i think i'd need to give whatever i expect to keep in her car to her then. so i need to get on the ball i suppose!..but the problem is, idk if i'm going to want some clothes for going out for during this next week, since it's just training, and i doubt that we'll be doing waterfront and lifeguarding every waking moment :P, so we'll just see i guess. i should ask my mom. she usually knows what to do when we have these like, organizational issues! haha. 

and as of today: 4 days til camp! i cannot wait to get up there. i'm so excited, but at the same time, i'm nervous. cus of stupid things too! like, what should i wear the first day? and other 'whatever' things like that. but only 4 DAYS!..so at the same time, i have a lot to do too. i packed most of my clothes yesterday in my huge lime green rubbermaid. but i still have to pack my weekend bucket, my shower caddy and shower supplies, as well as all my other random things, so i still have a shit ton of stuff to do. i need to get things together like, a package of sharpies, colored markers, crayons, a pair of scissors, some chicken soup books, idk..a lot! shiiiit. but on a more exciting, yet mostly a bad note, last night my dad found out about my tattoo. he was less than enthused to say the least. in other words, he was livid. he walked out of the room. yeahhhh. i don't know what to think. but it's not something i can do anything to change at this point, so really?..i think i'll just ride it out.

the countdown officially starts today: 8 days til okoboji! i'm so excited!..and this next week is gonna go by soooo fast. today i think i'm going to manilla and staying with stephanie. then tomorrow we're going to her little niece's birthday party. then i hope steph will take me out to brianna's tomorrow night so i don't have to drive. cus she's house-sitting in elkhorn till sunday and wants me to stay with her friday and saturday night. i still need to talk to my parents about that though. but anyway, she's having people out there on saturday, and we're drinking. so then hopefully i can just ride back with lucas or whoever. but either way, this weekend is gonna fly by! it's thursday today, i leave next saturday. i have an appointment next thursday in the city. and i don't know exactly what the plan is for the beginning of next week, but i gotta pack and everything still so, it'll be hectic either way! i'm excited though so watch out! haha.

blackbird.

(i needed these lyrics to cheer me up after that last post.)

Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise Black bird singing in the dead of night Take these sunken eyes and learn to see all your life you were only waiting for this moment to be free Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly Into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night Take these broken wings and learn to fly All your life You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise, You were only waiting for this moment to arise

i'm still learning..

yesterday i moved the last of my things out of the suite and turned in my keys, so concluding my freshman year! and in finishing my first year of college, i have to admit i've learned some extremely huge and valuable life lessons. 

first of all, friends are almost NEVER true or real. people are almost always out for themselves and only themselves, and if you find someone you can relate to enough to actually WANT to go out of your way to do things for and that relates enough to you to do the same, you need to do absolutely all you can to keep them. it's not that you won't find people who won't go out of their way to do things for you, many will just to keep up appearances and because they feel it is the right thing to do, which is a very separate motive than actually caring enough to WANT to. in learning this, i have realized i have 2 or 3 real friends..

but more importantly than that, deciding that this is what i think of the world has made me worlds more appreciative of my mother. she hates so many things about me, yet truly wants to do anything to keep me happy for as long as possible. 

but it's so depressing to know that most people would trade you in a second for their own betterment. and i'm not saying i'm any better either, it's just sad that we're like this. but maybe we as people are only meant to find a true connection, even friendship-wise with only a select few people. because, if i look at it from a different perspective, i would only want to go out of my way to do something i wouldn't normally do for 4 people outside of my family. it's sad, but it's true, and it won't change, so i guess it's just good to know and except.

secondly, i've learned a majority of people are happy in their own ignorance. going to community college, i met a lot of people who wouldn't normally be able to attend college (intelligence-wise). however, what's crazy about people like that, is they don't even realize their own ignorance! they walk around talking circles around things, believing that they know anything and everything. i realize i'm not the most intelligent person, but i don't attempt to propose answers to questions i don't even comprehend. i sat back and listened to stupid people talk all year, about things that don't matter and don't even touch the surface of importance. it's sickening to think of the time i've wasted since august on conversations with people who will never amount to anything and couldn't hold a conversation with anyone who had a decent IQ. ugh. what's even more disturbing, is culture keeps encouraging people to become satisfied (and even happy) with this ignorance. look at the lyrics in the most popular music today. two generations ago, popular music revolved around current events, future changes, and human growth and failure, NOW the most famous songs talk about sex, drugs, and how great the artist thinks he or she is. it's not fun to think about what is going to happen to this world when my generation holds power. i fall guilty to this as well, i listen to stupid music, watch ridiculous reality shows, it's hard not to when everything in today's culture seems to encourage it. but it's just sickening for me to think about. 

most of what i'm bothered by now, is what i've let myself fall to since august. i've spent the majority of my time with people who haven't stimulated any growth in myself, and seem to cast a terrible influence upon my potential. i'm just really disappointed in myself right now. hopefully i can make some changes over this summer and start fresh this coming fall.

so i'm attempting to get into the habit of posting more often by doing so two days in a row. my raw foods diet and workout schedule went well today and i think it was a good idea to get started now. abby and i walked to the valley view apartments and back today, which i think is a total of around 6 miles, and i ate only raw foods all day and i'm feeling great already. i think total i ate 4 fruit kabobs, a can of mt. dew (cheater, i know), a few glasses of water, a salad with fat free italian dressing, and a bowl of baby carrots mixed with cucumbers and celery. it's been good though, because i don't feel too overly hungry still. and after the run i've just felt like i could easily go to sleep in an hour or so. so i figure that's definatley a good thing since i haven't been able to sleep that well for weeks! wish me good luck on feeling comfortable about my body within 24 days! oh gosh this will be a journey.

end of the year..

so the end of the school year is coming up fast, and a lot is going on with me right now. i haven't posted in awhile because of all the stress. but tonight i haven't been able to sleep so i figure it would be a good time for a quick catch-up. i've decided i'm going to just fail 2 out of my 5 classes because they do absolutely nothing for my major. i've completely changed my major to marketing management. next semester i'll be on financial aid probation from failing, but i've promised myself to work hard so that i'll be okay after that. 

otherwise, i have a lot other than that that has been bothering me these past few weeks. i think i posted about a couple of my friends making me feel like an outcast and discluded lately, well it hasn't improved. and now i'm concerned cus brianna has been hanging out with lucas a lot lately and now that he's been hired to work for camp foster this summer too so i'm really afraid that i'm going to end up spending all summer feeling left out again to bri and lucas. i don't know why it's stressing me out to this point, but it's bad. 

plus, the MAIN stresser i have going on right now, i've gained like a crap-ton of weight. and it's not that i'm huge compared to before, it's that my shape has gotten so much lumpier, and i don't even wanna think about putting on a swimsuit. but i have to. in 25 FREAKING DAYS! so i've decided officially, starting tomorrow, that i'm going on a crash diet, i don't care how bad that's supposed to be for you, i'm desperate. so i'm doing it. i'm drinking ONLY water, and eating ONLY raw fruits and vegetables and cottage cheese. also i am going to walk at least 5 miles a day, and jog if i can, but for sure walk. i don't want to be unrealistic, and i know i can walk that far, so i'm gonna make it happen. i hope it works.

plus, mom said when i get home i can tan, so i'll be able to disguise the hideous stretch-marks that just freaking 'appeared' on my love-handles this year, so that should be taken care of easier than expected! i'm so scared that even if i do all this changing that i plan on that i won't have enough time before camp to lose the amount of weight it'll take for me to feel comfortable in a swimsuit. if i haven't lost a good amount by the 15th, when i'm supposed to reserve my space or give it away for the lifeguarding class on the 30th then i'll just most likely tell them i won't guard. but i do really want to. so we'll just see..

ah! finals all over in 6 or 7 days, i'm not for sure depending on my speech class, and then i'll finally be able to relax. hopefully with the time while i'm at home and the ability to tan, i'll be able to get a move-on on changing my body and relieving my stress! :P